Memcached

Mischievous passion I'm not allowed to miss you
Nor follow past desires you lit up in my heart
I wish I were your phantom to haunt at day lest perchance
At night your soul should fathom the scope of my own part.

I tried in words of kindness to trick you into hatred
Yet I condemn this recess with glares and disbelief
I'm prostrate in admission of sin, of thoughts and actions
That led to hurt and nuisance. I'm shackeled as mischief.

I'm caching all my feelings. They just kept us apart.
It all adds up to nothingness and solitude of heart.

There (... and back again)

Now, how about you stopped me
From messing up again?!
You know, maybe just kill me
Or, I don't know...
Pretend
I'm off to something real
Eternal, maybe... You!
Escape from thoughts of wisdom
I generate anew.

You must have had enough
I know, I feel the same.
Thought consciousness's forever
Thought brains would too prevail.
Yet, thin as ice on lock-ness
Fair thinking melts away
Emotions, cruelest monsters
Arise to shrink the brave.

I haven't lived enough
To taste death's sweetest kiss.
Nor have I been a lover
Yet all love I dismiss.
You're better off without me
Without my charms and wits
Grew up to be a soldier
To love, but never hold her
I think now that it fits.

euridice

Ah, cu ochii ei negri

De iad si de lipsa de viata.

Imi arde in ceafa privirea'i

Ma doare prezenta'i aproape.

E'aici langa mine,

Ah, Hades, ah, moarte

Nu neg... mi'a dat'o 'napoi

S'o strang iar in brate

Sa'i cant versuri tandre

Sa fiu om ca voi.

Dar nu cand voiesc

Nu azi, nu aici, nu acum.

Astept la lumina

Privirea sa'i iasa

Si raze de soare

Sa'i mangaie fatza

Sa pot sa privesc inapoi

Si'o viata'mpreuna sa fim.

Ii cant vechi poeme

Tin ochii inchisi

De monstri nu'mi pasa

Prea mult am fost tristi

Un vis am invins

Si'am plans multa vreme

Din negru si moarte

Spre viata atrasa

Iubita'mi urmeaza

Alene.

[only writers suffer from writer's block... what's left for me?]

Lost

my feet can't walk this road no more

my heart can't pump more blood like this

my hands won't swim me back ashore

now... will You save me from hell's mist!?

my strife can't free a shackled soul

my cries won't bring peace back on earth

my words aren't able to imbound

the reason for my journey forth.

my eyes won't shut, and won't be tame

my lips won't speak words you can't trust

thus, beg You, Lord, please take this shame

and wrap it dead into the dust.

for losing means not

being lost.

[coldplayish]

Three minutes

My life seems to be

Split in present and past
There's no real future
I can dream of now
Cause seconds are ticking
And people are watching
How waves take me deeper
Away from my vow.

I wish sweeter memories
Would flood out the thoughts
That keep me awake
In loss and despair
I wish i could smile
And keep my eys shut
I wish i could breath in
Your fragrance, your air.

One minute is gone
Along with my hope
I couldn't care less
I can't breath
You'd think my repentance
Would make me grow whole
But parts make a mess
Underneath.

I only have seconds

To miss you once more

And only the water aside.

Now, please read the story

You wrote in my heart

And then let sweet death

Be my guide.

For someday I'll truly

Come back, live again

When tears won't be shed

On your face.

When hearts, minds

And souls

Will hope once again

To clutch at past heaven's

Embrace.

Believe not my words,

But heartbeat and love

And trust not the smiles

Of a fool.

You look underneath

To what's hidden between

Thinner lines of pure truth

And the shreds of my skin

Then you'll see how it's great

How it's pure, true, still cruel

Still afar, far above

With no reason or fuel

But the hope of your kiss...

That's three minutes of duel.

Being dead ain't so cool

While love is.

Death

invata'ma...

sa traiesc cu mine

cheama'ma...

sa stau in lumina

tine'ma...

de mana pe drum

multumesc...

pentru viata din tine

privirea'ti senina

si dorul de'acum.

alunga-mi...

teama de viata

alina-mi...

ochii ce dor

asculta-mi

bataia din piept

si iarta'mi...

privirea semeata

si pumnii ce vor

s'aduca pe lume

ce-i drept.

fa-ma simplu.

Personal fear

no,

I don't know

I don't have a clue

don't know what to do

just go

and leave me

please leave me alone

but first

write me a letter

with words I'd bestow

with words meant to love me

and warm my cold soul

i'd live my whole life

in patience and trust

but how to achieve

this peace

without lust

well this is a secret

my heart won't be learning...

it's all grief and dust.

Hold [up and in]

if you dare call his name

not always good things come

but surely you will see

they happen for the best.

step back and look ahead

throughout the clouds of time

does your heart reconcile

to answering this quest?

ask me your questions now.

don't shy and speak the words

you held in all this time

and ate up from your chest.

i fear for the guilt

that holds up our rewards.

and peace and love withholds

don't mind about the rest.

Simple

it's just a simple thought

that wants to run to you

mere black and white, no hue

i trust your love is true

without it i am naught.

it's just a simple hope

that keeps us both alive

if death i am to wive

and you from me they'll rive

then love itself's a trope

it's just a simple song

designed just for your voice

if i should have a choice

i'd be both blind to noise

and deaf i'd stay lifelong

it's just a simple love

as such that in the end

i failed to comprehend

it wasn't mine... t'was sent

unduly from above.

Geamul

Geamul avea ceva special in el. O atingere pe care nu o putea intelege. Era oarecum atragator. Rece, impenetrabil, plin de amprentele multor altor calatori. Cu siguranta stia atat de multe lucruri. Atat de multi alti oameni inaintea baiatului privisera in gol prin particulele de cuart unite printr-o tesatura invizibila intiparind in fiinta geamului acel sentiment de inutilitate excesiva atat de clar vizibil in fiecare raza de soare ce se refracta prin el.

“NU, soarele nu se loveste direct de mine!”, gandi baiatul in sinea lui. Temperaturile-i mistuitoare nu ajungeau la el, tocmai din cauza unei retele incomprehensibile de factori atenuatori. Un intreg univers ii proteja pielea de o dogoare greu de exprimat in termeni tehnici. Isi lipi tampla de geam. Nu simti nicio zvacnire de viata din partea acestuia. Doar nenumarate zvacnituri, smucituri de neliniste cu fiecare denivelare in asfalt intalnita pe drum. Baiatul incerca sa inteleaga ce spunea geamul. Se astepta sa auda strigate de furie, poate chiar sa vada riduri in suprafata-i perfect neteda… crapaturi de nemultumire. Nimic din toate acestea, insa. Geamul ramanea rece.

“Tu nu esti ca noi, oamenii…. Uita-te la noi. Ne vezi, doar!”, adauga baiatul. “Atatea cute, riduri… linii de expresie afisate cu sau fara voia noastra la suprafata… intiparind adanc in pielea candva fina marcaje ale trairilor din viata de zi cu zi. Fiecare semn – o poveste. Atatea povesti in jur! Atatea povesti cati oameni, cate fete, cate marcaje”.

Privirile ii tremurau in ritmul motorului… acoperind campul pustiu din partea dreapta a drumului. Pasari negre, in zborul lor lent, ii dadeau baiatului un neinteles sentiment de… liniste. Erau complet rupte de realitate. Sa fi fost realitatea distorsionata de geamul din fata? N-ar fi fost imposibil. Firele de electricitate se intindeau de-a lungul soselei, intr-un joc neintrerupt de nivel, curbandu-se cu fiecare metru inghitit de rotile masinii. Era imposibil de imaginat pana unde se va fi intins acea oscilatie ludica… “pana la sfarsitul ultimei responsabilitati umane; pana la un copil care are nevoie de imagini animate sa ii inlocuiasca pe parintii prea ocupati sa fie oameni mari!”

“Nu este nevoie sa imi povestesti”, spuse geamul deodata, “doar aseaza-ti tampla fierbinte pe inima mea”. Baiatul inchise ochii. Imagini aleatorii acoperind o arie vasta de domenii, zile, personaje ii invadara ecranul pleoapelor inchise facand un zgomot de nedescris. Fiecare culoare suna fie a nimic, fie a durere. Fiecare sunet ii picta o fresca de amaraciune. Fiecare personaj il privea cu dispret. Baiatul isi puse linistit mana pe geam, dorindu-si sa-i simta bataile inimii. Deschise ochii, alungand haosul de culoare si sunet din spatele pleoapelor. Geamul era atat de mizerabil acum. Toate acele amprente… semne ale prostitutiei. Geamul era al lui. Incepu sa stearga frenetic cu maneca urmele lasate de degetele, privirile… gandurile celorlalti.

Tampla i se lipi iarasi de sticla rece. Pleoapele se asternura iarasi peste ochii-i verzi. Era mai odihnitor acum. Nu mai era gelos. Isi ridica mana incet, si ca un pictor in actul creatiei, isi aplica amprentele pe suprafata fina. Inima baiatului incepu sa bata mai tare acoperind tremurul drumului. Sub atingerea palmei sale, geamul incepu sa se incalzeasca, inima incepu sa ii bata. Pulsul baiatului incepu sa se confunde cu al geamului. Sangele-i invizibil incepu sa circule prin capilare imposibil de imaginat. Viata. Geamul avea ceva special in el. O atingere pe care nu o putea intelege.

Liniile de pe fata baiatului incepura sa se estompeze. Ridurile – semne ale durerii incepura sa se piarda inspre colturile ochilor inchisi. Zambetul linistitor de pe buzele-i uscate de vant si lacrimi incepu sa se stearga. Fata-i deveni de o finete greu de imaginat. Geamul intinse mana. Il atinse. Nu era rece, totusi. Suprafata de sticla a fetei baiatului frigea de o pasiune pe care geamul nu o cunoscuse niciodata. Citise multe pe fetele miilor de calatori ce i se perindasera prin fata ochilor. Dar niciodata asa ceva. Fara cute, fara linii… fara expresiile pe care cu atata maiestrie stia sa le interpreteze. Baiatul avea ceva special in el. O atingere pe care nu o putea intelege.

Prima cuta aparu subtil chiar in locul in care tampla acum neteda a baiatului isi odihnea fierbinteala. Se extinse in jos. Pentru prima oara geamul stiu ca simte. Incepu sa friga. Vru sa zambeasca… si nu ii mai era imposibil. O alta linie se nascu in forma unui zambet. Baiatul isi ridica tampla de pe geam. Geamului ii crescura ochi. Ii deschise. Fata baiatului era atat de inexpresiva. Fara cute, fara riduri… fara povesti. Cu fiecare secunda, totusi… cu fiecare cuta… cu fiecare poveste pe care o intelegea… geamul se simtea mai aproape de marele-i esec. Ultima poveste a baiatului se intipari pe suprafata de sticla… cioburi de durere se cristalizara pe toata suprafata… distrugand ochi, zambet… fericire.

“Tu nu esti ca noi, oamenii…. Uita-te la noi. Ne vezi, doar!”

Famous Last Words

While he was lying there, on the soft grass, his eyz, almost shut were playing with the thought of sparkling stars... "Where is this light coming from?" The bullets were having their own spacial streets above all of their heads... sometimes, even having to jonction with the ways of their destiny. They knew there was no hope left to keep them alive... even for the next 10 minutes.

It was no surprise for him to notice that he could not stand to go inside the trench... one louzy bullet had found its nest in his stomach... "Shit!" he said... and then he wondered "Is this going to be my last spoken word?"... He kneeled... prayed... but her image, simply could not leave him... so he had no choice... His last words... were not the prayer he had brought to God... but these three powerfull life changing bullets of the human being rifle "I Love You!" ... his face was still amazed by the fact that he couldn't find enough strength to hate her for not being there with him, in those last few seconds...

[written somewhere around January 2007 or so]

Blame

de'ar fi sa mor 

si sangele sa'mi cearna 

privirea mea pierduta 

in cerul din inalt

as vrea sa plang cu lacrimi 

nu viata'mi intrerupta 

nici moartea mea, iubito 

ci lipsa ta din mine 

privirea'ti, pieptul cald.

nu vreau cuvinte dulci 

sau lacrimi in privire 

nici cantece de jale 

durerea sa iti planga... 

de n'oi fi eu aici 

sa uiti... e viata scurta... 

sa mori nu vreau, iubito

doar stiu c'ar fi placere. 

sa'ti mangai fatza blanda.

de te'as iubi

ca vierme'ar fi totuna

caci inima'ti plapanda

e sparta'n cioburi vii

un print lovit de ciuma

cu fatza muta, franta

atat mi's eu iubito

viermi colcaie in mine

iar ochii mi's pustii.

Thursday [need to know]

i need to know what people say

when death is strolling round their bed

i need to know what words to use

when you depart... 

what should I choose 

to keep your heart...

loving ahead?

should i allow the tears to fall...

and let you see i fret your loss?

i need to know what song to hum

when you collide 

should i keep mum [a tacea]

and just abide [a astepta]

for you to cross?

i need to know how does it feel 

when you come back from death or night

no need to strive for right or wrong

for i am here 

and i am strong 

for you my dear

...you're my delight.

should i predict the same result

based on ideas that love brought up?

i need to see a heart that works 

not pumping blood 

but taking walks 

closer to god 

on mountains top.

i need to know what silence is 

and clear your mind of my own thoughts.

i need to give you something real 

and hold you tight 

be sure you'll feel 

the troops that fight 

to clear the knots 

...of my unclear

[I did have some second thoughts about it, thou...]

i need to know why do i need 

a daily reason to be true 

to smile, to love, to cry, forgive

and care for life

so I may live .

to end this strife

what should i do?

i need to know why i'm obsessed

with more than just a mere "I"

who dared change focus on your heart

for loving "you" 

i changed the part 

where i was true

and made you sigh.

i need to know not just the truth 

i need to know your highs and lows 

i need this "us" to shut my eyes 

in rest of sleep 

while this night dies 

and i still keep 

the dream i chose.

i need not feel afraid again 

and guilt i want never this nigh 

i'm scared of being wrong like this 

of bringing pain 

a sower kiss 

a "me" you'd gain 

that makes you cry.

[...i'd rather die]